<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Our Choice by TheLadyCassandra</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28723389">Our Choice</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadyCassandra/pseuds/TheLadyCassandra'>TheLadyCassandra</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:29:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,329</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28723389</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadyCassandra/pseuds/TheLadyCassandra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Please.</p>
<p>It is one word but Spock has never, not even after the most desperate of circumstances, heard the doctor speak in that tone of voice.</p>
<p>This is pain at his own hands and it is intolerable.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>111</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Our Choice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Please"</p>
<p>It's one word but Spock has never, not after even the most desperate of circumstances, heard the doctor speak in that tone of voice.  He has heard Leonard shout and rage, has heard him desperate and even heard him beg. His eidetic memory has perhaps been less than kind to him as he remembers, even after more than a year, the exact noise Leonard made when terrorists on Perseph 7 had laid down his hand and started by breaking the smallest bone of his little finger. Spock remembers the way he had strained against the restraints they had wrapped round him, remembers the creak they made but that they held even against Vulcan strength. He remembers how he made his face as solid as stone while his lover wept but refused to reveal the location of the refugees they had been sent to protect. He remembers every other noise Leonard has made and would have said that there could be nothing worse than the sound of his pain at the hands of others.</p>
<p>Nothing worse than that until this moment. This is pain at his own hands and it is intolerable.</p>
<p>"Please," he says again and it is clear that he is begging, pleading with Spock to stop. It is equally clear that he is caught up in a memory, one which he would never have willingly shared. Spock eases his body away from the other man. He is as careful as he can be although Leonard has gone lax beneath him and he finds it difficult to pull away from his skin. They had been naked, limbs entwined, the cool air is almost shocking against his skin. To pull his penis free is easy, even if Vulcans could not control their responses as accurately as they can, he feels no trace of arousal. The rolling emotions he can feel against the light touch of their minds is making him feel nauseated. </p>
<p>It is clear that he has misjudged something gravely. They have been lovers for 1.43 standard earth years and he knows the other's body more intimately than he thought possible. There was no part of their lovemaking that he would have called unusual between them and although he is aware his strength is much greater he had been working to stretch out their pleasure and, as such, his touches had been light and his preparation extensive. It is not physical pain he feels through their link; it is an emotional maelstrom. The touch of their minds together fades as he unlinks their fingers and they are fully separated.</p>
<p>"Leonard," he says as gently as he knows how to. Vulcans are not taught how to be gentle and he worried that he is bad at it. Vulcans do not worry either, such an emotional response is illogical. He cannot stop himself.</p>
<p>"Can you answer me?" he asks "Do you require medical assistance?" There is no answer. </p>
<p>"Leonard," he tries again, "Ashayam, can you answer me?" The vulcan word seems to have an effect and a fine tremble begins to work through his lover's frame. He reaches for the blanket and pulls it around him, making sure that their skin does not touch. To repeat his question again seems almost redundant but he cannot stop himself. </p>
<p>"Can you answer me?" This time, Leonards eyes flick to his face and he nods once.</p>
<p>"Spock," he says softly. His voice is hoarse, as hoarse as it had been when he'd finished screaming on Perseph 7. Spock pushes away the comparison, it does very little to help his composure.</p>
<p>"I am here," he says. It seems that his logical reasoning has abandoned him tonight. Surely Leonard can see he is there. It doesn't stop him from repeating himself.</p>
<p>"I am here, ashayam."</p>
<p>"I'm cold," Leonard whispers. He holds out his hand, lifting the blanket to make a space. Spock hesitates.</p>
<p>"I am not sure that is wise," he says finally. He knows immediately that he has said the wrong thing when the response is a tiny hurt noise.</p>
<p>"I have hurt you," he clarifies quickly "I would not do so again and," he pauses but knows he must carry on "I do not know what I have done."</p>
<p>It is shameful and, again, he acknowledges his feelings are very much human tonight. Even Vulcan reserve cannot stand in the face of Leonard's pain. </p>
<p>Leonard makes another little noise in his throat. </p>
<p>"It's not something you did," he says quietly "It's my fault. I didn't know it would go that way. I thought, after all this time, I'd be ok. You didn't hurt me Spock."</p>
<p>"I know that I did," Spock replies "To deny it is illogical, I felt your pain" He sees the flash of emotion over the other's face and thinks he has reached the root of their problem. "You were not expecting the touch of my mind."</p>
<p>"Would you get under here," Leonard demands "I'm cold looking at you."</p>
<p>"That is not possible," Spock replies almost automatically and, perversely, his argument seems reassuring. The frustration on his lover's face is familiar enough for him to relax a little and he judges it would be best to accede. He keeps the strongest shield he can around his mental presence so that, when they touch, it is simply the comfort of skin on skin. It quiets the unease he feels when Leonard wraps himself around him, although their skin is still tacky with lubricant in places and he is uncertain if offering to fetch a cloth would be appropriate. The choice is taken out of his hands.</p>
<p>"Stay here with me," Leonard says "I need to tell you something. Something I've never managed to tell anyone before. Or at least, no-one who mattered."</p>
<p>"I will stay," Spock agreed immediately. He wants to reassure but he feels clumsy. Still, an attempt must be made. </p>
<p>"Leonard," he begins "I am most satisfied with our current relationship. I know that we have discussed introducing a mental component to our relationship but I do not need it to be content. It is vital to me that you do not discomfort yourself in attempt to satisfy me. I do not need our minds to touch to be fulfilled in our relationship."</p>
<p>"I'm a doctor," he is answered "I know that Vulcans have evolved to form mental bonds. I'm a doctor, I've done my research, Spock. You can have a meaningful relationship without a bond, I know that, but I also know that your genetics are set up with mental bonds in mind. I love you, Spock, and I wanted you to have that."</p>
<p>"I don't," Spock began but was cut off by a very familiar glare and an elbow digging into his ribs"</p>
<p>"I wasn't done," Leonard chides him and he falls obediently silent. It takes the other man time to continue and in the quiet moment he tentatively slides his fingertips over his palm. The gesture is returned and the kiss eases another layer of the tension he feels. </p>
<p>"I wanted it for you," Leonard continues finally "But I wanted it for me too." He pauses again "I wanted it more than I know how to say. I want to know all of you and I want you to know me too." His cheeks are a little flushed and he keeps his eyes downcast. Spock knows how he struggles to put his feelings into words and stays silent. "I know I'm difficult," he continues finally "I can't always say what I mean and I know that I'm not easy. I never thought that I'd want to know someone as deeply as I want to know you. And that's why I need to tell you something. Something I though I'd gotten over but it turns out not."</p>
<p>"It is not unusual for non-telepathic species to be resistant to the idea of mental intrusion," Spock said carefully "To have fear of what a telepath may do," He is once again cut off by a glare and an elbow. Leonard is draped across his chest now, his head resting on Spock's shoulder and their hands still firmly entwined.</p>
<p>"I'm not afraid of you," he is told firmly "Let me get this out, will you. I really thought this wasn't going to be a problem and I maybe should have told you but I guess that's bolting the stable after the horse has escaped so here we are." Spock ensures that the eyebrow he raises is on the side of his face his lover can see and is rewarded with an amused snort.</p>
<p>"Here goes," Leonard says after another moment. He takes a deep breath "I know you're not going to judge me for this but it's still not easy to get out. And I need you to try not to be too angry if you can." Spock nods but the tension is creeping back. "I passed med school pretty young," he continues "It came easy to me, guess it's in the McCoy blood. I went out when I got my results. Found a good bar, found some drink, thought about finding some company. And that's when he sat down beside me. Handsome man and I was on top of the world so I started up a flirtation with him." His eyes are shadowed and distant.</p>
<p>"It got pretty late and I took him back  to my place. I was going to sleep with him but I guess that wasn't good enough. After I tried to think where he might have come from. He looked human but he wasn't. Maybe part Betazoid but definitely a telepath. He put his arms round me and said something like he'd give me a night to remember. And then he pushed in to my mind." </p>
<p>Spock feels his eyes widen and his pulse rate begin to rise.</p>
<p>"He forced you," he says softly. He had agreed not to be angry but he cannot stop how the rage rises inside him.</p>
<p>"I was a sure thing," Leonard says quietly, helplessly, "He didn't need to do it. I could feel him in my mind more then I could feel what he was doing to my body. He had control of me and I couldn't even speak. Just shouting inside my head. He left me lying in my bed and I couldn't move for a couple of hours. First thing I did was throw up and my head felt like it was being gripped in a vice. I knew the side effects that could come from an attack on the mind like that so I called a med transport as soon as I could."</p>
<p>The rage and grief has Spock by the throat now and he cannot speak. He wants to offer comfort but doesn't know how. He had thought that he was being playful when he brushed against Leonard's mind as he eased into his body but he has committed an unforgivable transgression. His lover carries on and he forces himself to focus on his words.</p>
<p>"They didn't find him," he said quietly "He did something to me, I don't remember his face. He didn't leave any particular marks on me and the bar I'd been at had malfunctioning security cameras, which he probably knew. It was a long time ago and I got good treatment, including therapy from a telepath to help ease things over. I thought it was a part of my life that I didn't have to think about any more. Never managed to tell my family all of it."</p>
<p>Spock is very carefully regulating his breathing. He breathes to a count of four seconds in and four seconds out. When his words come, they do not tremble.</p>
<p>"Forgive me."</p>
<p>"I've got nothing to forgive," Leonard frowns at him "You didn't know and now you do. You've done nothing wrong here. Neither of us have. It was him who was wrong."</p>
<p>Spock cannot find words for how much he agrees with that statement. He has never met a telepathic species who did not find the violation of an unwilling mind to be abhorrent. To rape and to use telepathy as another rape is sickening to him. Even the thought of it clouds his thoughts with anger.</p>
<p>"You must forgive me still," he says, still steadily "I am angry, although I agreed not to be."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry," Leonard says immediately "You're entitled to feel however you need to. I certainly did." The thought is like a splash of ice water dousing Spock's rage. He calls on all his usual techniques and sets the anger aside. With it gone he feels grief and even quiet relief. He could have done serious damage unknowingly and the thought troubles him greatly.</p>
<p>"I am concerned that I may have hurt you," he says finally "I do not know how to proceed from here."</p>
<p>"You did the opposite of hurt me," Leonard told him plainly "You stopped when I needed you too. I don't need you to make any sacrifices for me, Spock, I don't need you to try and persuade me that we should never touch minds again. I want to know you like that and I want the chance to try with you." Spock remains silent, he had indeed been about to make a statement to that effect.</p>
<p>"It's my choice," he is told "My choice to say no and my choice to say yes." Leonard holds his gaze, his face tipped up from Spock's shoulder "Our choice," he qualifies and Spock  is humbled. How can one individual be so brave, so open, despite everything. There is only one appropriate response.</p>
<p>"I cherish you," he murmurs and leans down to fit their mouths together. They kiss in the human way for a long time until Leonard is drowsy. </p>
<p>"Sleep," Spock urges "I will not leave you." The final reassurance is enough and, when he is sure Leonard is asleep, he allows himself to sleep also.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>